Writings not in the book

(Undated Writing 1 2010)

Who the hell am I to judge anyone’s character or attempt to establish their worth or lack thereof for that matter?

I’ve spent the better part of 30 years wandering from town to town, jail to jail, image to image, and vice to vice hoping to find myself somewhere lost amongst the wreckage.

See, the truth of the matter is most folks go to the grave without finding their true self and this is just a painful reality of existence. It’s true, you know…the lucky really do die young, without ever facing the downward spiral of age and the inevitable loss of good looks, energy, and fearless motivation.

It truly sucks when your drug of choice changes from benzos to ibuprofen or rolaids because you are quickly realizing the 30’s aren’t the new 20’s, and bands you grew up listening to have turned into feeble old fucks.

For the sake of the debating side…experience and wisdom come with old age and so does the ability to be assertive and confident in your dealings with others.

It’s a good feeling to know you don’t have to walk around and act like you’re the shit because

deep down you know that you are. I got that line from a friend by the way. Dannyboy, another disturbed 30 something, lost in the ways of the world and weakened by addiction. Everything has its time and place, I guess, and it’s important to stick one frame of mind right now.

(Undated Writing 2 2010)

There’s a lot of ways that this madness can get started up and all of which would set the ball rolling in an entire variety of directions. It could start with my parents, grandparents, childhood memories, psychological evaluations, as to what went wrong, why, and when or it could start with full blown heroin addiction and work its way back to the womb. Either way it’s a collage of stories and experiences used to paint a picture of the insanity of my life thus far. Just like any other life, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs but more importantly I’ve experienced a handful of situations that are so far from the average person’s reality that these experiences come across as lies or feeble attempts to impress. The funny thing is that I gave up on trying to impress people quite a few years back.

Just like any other human, I struggled through childhood and all of my teenage years trying to figure out who I was, and trust me when I say I switched images as quickly as a chameleon changes colors.

I was the sports fan, the hippie, the raver, the gangster, the yuppie, the D.J., the grunge kid, or whatever else happened to be cool and hip in my particular environment. I wanted you to like me and that’s all that mattered. If you said something I liked was “stupid” then it became “stupid” to me as well.

But, you know what? I took a little bit with me from each one of those images and I firmly believe that that is what makes me who I am today. If you ask me how I feel about something these days, I’ll shoot you a straight answer and I’ll do it without giving a damn as to how you judge me. This is a big step for me

There comes a moment in life when everyone sits back and ponders what matters, their difference from everyone else and what sets them aside as an individual.

When you look back over your life can you look back and say it was filled with madness?