It was only after he died, and in reflecting on our lives together that I came to believe Micah had an early ‘innate knowing’ that his life may end by his own hand. But why did I have this feeling and why would he do this? Was it a possibility in his soul plan? Was it early depression? Or did he feel he was shut down and unable to verbally express?
At age ten, when I discovered the folded paper in his room in Dubai, I was panic stricken to see graphic stick figure drawings of self-destruction – one with a syringe and long needle going into a figure’s arm and another with a gun drawn into the mouth. As he grew, he never threatened suicide. In the writings that I found he continually thanked Erato, his Muse, and his pen, the sword, for saving him. His outlet for expressing his inner most thoughts and feelings became the written word.
Although he had had a long struggle with drug addiction accompanied by numerous overdoses, no one close to him anticipated he would take his own life. Micah was like a cat with nine lives; surviving car crashes, stabbings, beatings, hold-ups, severe asthma and of course, addiction. So, when he ended his life by putting a gun in his mouth all of us were in disbelief and shock.
Religion told me that it was wrong to take your own life. After Micah’s death and this mother’s quest to know where he was and what was going on with his soul, I continually asked for higher guidance to know more about suicide, to please be taught about what taking one’s own life meant differently from what I had been told. I wanted my mind and beliefs clear so I could hear God’s guidance to me. And, as usual, one day when I least expected it I heard, “Mindy, what if a soul desires to experience suicide as part of its learning, growth, or evolution?” The concept was foreign to me but because I was willing to allow the possibility, the anguish and despair I felt began to diminish. I began to get a deeper understanding of the mind and how it works. I learned people with lower vibrational frequencies, like depression can attract drugs and vice-versa. The low of one of these conditions can cause the desire to end life and can get one into a severe downward spiral that they cannot free themselves of let alone the combination of the two.
The person loses the ability to make rational and healthy decisions for his/her life and ends up creating a life-style that reinforces and empowers the depression/addiction rather than recovery and peace. Sometimes a person can get so stuck in a particular state of mind (or mood) whereby life becomes unbearable to the point of taking drastic measures. While in this state, the individual is unable and often incapable of self-help. Trusting one’s instincts and gut feelings will not work, because they are not one’s own. Life itself kicks the person in to taking action to remove the pain. In Micah’s case, I feel he fought the spiral of heroin addiction for as long as he possibly could, and given the repetition of relapses and shorter periods of recovery, he could no longer fight the battle. Numerous others, like Micah, are able to open up for the healing and guidance on the other side that they were not able to receive on this side. Healing is possible, and for those dealing with suicidal tendencies help is available – HERE and NOW. For those who have lost a loved one or are dealing with a loved one keep HOPE in your hearts. Whether on this side or the other we can be whole, healthy, and happy!